It Is Well...

It is well…

Since December of 2013, I’ve lost nine friends and family members. Nine. The last four have departed the earth in the last eight months. The last one, today. You might assume this makes me an expert on grief. It doesn’t. If anything, I’m doing my best to not shut down completely in an attempt to not feel the loss. Was I “super close” to the nine who have died? No, some I didn’t know well, but was still connected to through family, and i feel their loss through my family. Others, I was very close to. A few things I’ve learned about grief; it is cumulative, it is different for each loss, it is surprising.

In addition to the loss of lives over the last four years, I’ve also navigated other losses that are less obvious. These are the ones that don’t always look like losses to the outside viewer, but are experienced as loss just the same.

Surgery- temporary loss of health, potential loss of future dreams

Moving back in with my parents - loss of solitary living, perceived loss of independence

Graduation - loss of community (students and faculty whom I’ve grown in relationship with for four years), loss of structure and direction, loss of “safety net”

So what does one do with all this loss? When one feels numb and doesn’t remember how to even cry anymore? The only thing I can say at this point is that it is a choice of the will to choose to trust that God is not caught by surprise, that His shoulders are broad enough, that His love is strong enough. Notice that I said “a choice of the will.” This is NOT a feeling. I don’t feel like trusting God, I don’t always feel His love, or feel that He is even trustworthy! But I choose to believe it, and in that is an inexplicable peace. 

There is an old hymn by Horatio Spafford called “It is Well With My Soul.” If you get to look up the story behind it, it’s worth your time. Two years ago, I heard a modern spin on the song that has haunted me ever since. The chorus sounds “So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name.” How inviting to let go and trust… Can you imagine how freeing it would be to truly let go of all our worries, of the losses, of the burdens we carry? Yet, how incredibly hard to relinquish control. So often when I hear that song I find myself in the midst of an internal struggle, not unlike treading water in waves, oscillating between being swept away by the promise and assurance that God is in control and that He is sovereign and solid, and violently rebelling because - NO! I don’t like this! This is NOT well with my soul, I don’t want to let go! 

It is well because…. The waves and wind still know His name… creation sings His praise, His hand is sovereign, and He is worthy of my trust… a trust that transcends feeling and circumstances. It is well because He is God.

Delayed Obedience = Disobedience

     I was sitting at my gate on a layover in Chicago as when I began to write this. I missed my flight that morning, and the result was, I had more time to kill. Huh, that sentence just struck me. Who would want to kill time? It’s such a fleeting fragile commodity to begin with… and is not one of my internal complaints often a bemoaning of lack of time? Well there I had it, and with it, the opportunity to really think.

     Now back to my original train of thought. I just finished studying some of my current Bible Study (James: Mercy Triumphs, by Beth Moore). This particular lesson was on James 1:5-8

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts, is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

      As if the text itself doesn’t pack enough of a punch, the commentary packed even more… my own thoughts having been sent to wander in this direction, delivered a wallop that will leave a mark (and odd as it may sound, I hope it does).

     Some quotes from the study: “What happens if we chuck all this singles-mindedness and wholeheartedness for the natural life of duplicity? We get the grand prize: a life of instability…”

“…There comes a time to drive a stake in the ground and lay claim to one life, one focused goal, and one God…”

Excerpt from my journal:

Do I have single focus? Do I really believe God is God? Or do I constantly take back the reigns and do my own thing… humoring God, and deceiving myself, letting us both think that He is in charge, when secretly or unconsciously, I call all the shots?

OUCH! Does that pierce you as it does me?

     Perhaps you don’t struggle as I do with full surrender to God. I mean, I want to give Him all, I say I give Him all, I really do try sometimes…. But do I really live surrendered to Him? Do I pick and choose which of His leading and teaching really applies to me? Do I demand to understand His intentions or the big picture before I make a move to obey? Do I convince myself that since it doesn’t make sense to me, it obviously isn’t His will?

     It isn’t that I live a sordid life of duplicity worthy of a block buster motion picture or anything… but I, like I believe many others, have my masks. I know the behaviors and the proper customs of the various roles I play on my life’s stage. Sometimes, I can act so well as to convince myself I’m not acting. But really, when it gets down to it, am I consistent in my character? I think I can be honest in saying that I do see improvement in this area. I can look back on my life and with integrity conclude that my masks have become less opaque. I tend to be closer to a consistent character in this scene of my life, rather than the flurry of costume changes and role juggling of some years ago. Still, I have room to grow.

     Since I began writing this post over two weeks ago the Lord has continued to challenge me in the area of obedience. (and just in case you were wondering, no, it does not usually take me two weeks to write a blog post. It’s called procrastination… and more accurately, disobedience. Didn’t I just say God is still working with me on this? I’m not always the best/quickest student).

     

     Recently, I was in a conversation with a woman I’ve only met once, but whose feminine strength both challenged and inspired me. In the course of the conversation, she casually stated that, “the Bible does not give us a cafeteria plan for us to pick and choose what parts of it we would like to obey we are called to obey it all or throw the whole thing out….”

The obedience issue just keeps coming up. But how in the world does this relate to the Scripture with which I started this post?

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts, is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

    For me, I think it comes down to a deeper issue of trust. Do I really trust God? Do I trust that His plans for me are really for my good? Do I trust that He really loves me? Do I trust that His wisdom will be sound? Do I trust that He can satisfy?

    Funny, how trust and believe can almost be interchangeable…

The above verses talk about the one who is “double-minded” being “tossed by the wind” and “unstable in all his ways.” This is why we need single-mindedness. Undivided focus on the Lover of our souls… this comes through trust. Trust is earned and trustworthiness is proven by consistency of character and faithfulness. God is both faithful and consistent. He is trustworthy… I am confident that the more I submit and obey Him, the more my heart will surrender and trust Him.

Songs in my head

I Believe, Help Thou My Unbelief- by Bill and Gloria Gaither

 I believe, help thou my unbelief 

I take the finite risk of trusting as a child.

I believe, help thou my unbelief 

I walk into the unknown trusting all the while.

I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know, 

But should I never feel a thing, I claim Him even so.

I believe, help thou my unbelief

 I walk into the unknown trusting all the while.

And

Trust and Obey- by John H. Sammis 1887

But we never can prove the delights of His love

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain:

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,

Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;

What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;

Never fear, only trust and obey.

Last Days in Rome...

I am back on U.S. soil now and it feels good to be back in my own country. Rome was excellent, and great, but it wasn't home. Atlanta isn't exactly home either, but it's closer to home :).

Before the memories fade, I wanted to write about my last days in Rome. 

4.21.12

We sorted all our display mounts and supplies and got them all ready to pack.

4.22.12

L and M went to an Anglican Church service that was really neat and liturgical. I was going to go, but when Sunday morning came, I just wasn't up for it. I ended up staying in the hotel for the morning and catching up on some much needed rest. I went out mid-morning and did some gift shopping and then sat in a semi-quiet piazza (which is really any kind of public area or park). In the piazza, I wrote in my journal and observed the world around me for over an hour. It was really relaxing, and sweet fellowship with the Lord. Sometimes, I think I just need some solitude. 

children chasing pigeons in the piazza

  4.23.12

Monday morning... we packed up all of our display mounts and supplies, made packing lists for the supply crates and were done by mid-morning. Our work in Rome was officially finished! We had lunch and went back to the hotel and went our separate ways. I did some research to plan my last day in Rome.

4.24.12

L and M went to Florence Italy, and from what I hear they had a great time! I opted to stay in Rome and see what I could see... I think I walked nearly the whole city of Rome! I should find a map and post it...

the views from the top of this hill were amazing!

I started with a hike up a hill to see a statue of Garibaldi, a war hero for Rome, I got lost a little bit on my way down the other side of the hill, but I eventually made it to the Synagogue in the Jewish Ghetto, and then back to Piazza Navonna. Did you know that Piazza Navonna was built over an old Roman race track? It is, and that's how it got its oval shape. *[Please note, just as an aside, I am not an authority on the history of the sites of Rome, what I have absorbed is through skimming online descriptions and my limited understanding of the Italian language. I could quite possibly be incorrect in some of this...]

I went back to the Pantheon. I had gone to the Pantheon my second day in Rome and wasn't really that impressed with it. However, in the course of my research, so many sources were excited about the Pantheon, and I discovered that it is contemporary with the Colosseum, yet still standing intact. Not only that, but this once pagan temple now church building has been in constant use for 2,000 years! It still looks like it did when it was built. That is pretty amazing!

From the Pantheon, I made my way to the Capuchin Crypt. This was a really unique site. I was not allowed to take pictures, but I will try to find some online to share. The Crypt is in a Church where the soil on which the church was built, was imported from Jerusalem making it a coveted burial spot for many monks who were never able to make it to the Holy City in life. There are over 4,000 monks buried in this crypt, but there was not enough room for so many. After a while, the bones of earlier graves were exhumed and used to adorn the 5 chapels of the church. Creepy? I thought it might be, but it was oddly beautiful and very reverently done.  

From the Crypt, I made my way through the Four Fountains to the Republic of Rome. I also went through a church near by where there was a calendar in the floor by Galileo Galilei. There was a gold band on the floor with numbers and symbols, and signs of the zodiac. In the ceiling, there was a hole where light would shine down on certain spots on the calendar. 

I was also excited to see Le Grand Hotel which was nearby. This is my own little delight because it is a place that was mentioned in a fiction series that I really enjoy. Turns out the author didn't make up things, but actually wrote about real places!

I met up with the guys on our team who finished sealing all the set containers. Congrats to them! We met at the Termini train station and made our way to the Mediterranean Sea! The water was COLD!

We came back and walked up Aventine Hill to see the gate to the Knights of Malta (actually the 3rd country in Rome, the others being the Vatican, and of course, Italy). The gate at the Knights of Malta has a keyhole that when you look through it, you can see St. Peter's Basilica! My picture didn't turn out where you can see the Basilica, but I could see it with my own eyes.

We meandered down the hill through beautiful orange groves and even more basilicas. We walked across the Circus Maximus (I think that's what it is called) where they used to hold chariot races.

We ate dinner in the Jewish Ghetto, and walked back to the hotel via Campo di Fiore. 

All in all, it was a pretty amazing day! I was exhausted, but it was so worth it!

4.25.12

Boarded the plane at what would be 1:45am Oklahoma time. It was a good flight, and I actually slept for about 2 hours. It was great since I have never before really been able to sleep on flights. Somehow I woke up on my stomach in the plane seat, not sure how that happened. After clearing Passport control, customs, and security, I finally made my way to the MARTA which is Atlanta’s subway system and took the train to northern Atlanta. The station is within a block or two from the hotel, and after walking around Rome, it wasn't a long walk at all :). L joined me a little later. She had stayed at the airport to make sure our crates cleared customs, and were secured at our work space here in ATL. We walked to the nearby Mall and did some window shopping and had Chick-fil-a and Starbucks (for chai tea), two restaurants we never found in Rome :).

Tomorrow we will work at our exhibit here. I'm about ready for bed, but I wanted to post this before life in the States got busy enough to cause my Roman memories to fade.

I also want to say... God is so good! There was one night I could not sleep... I had been praying and talking with the Lord about some issues. I had a really great Skype conversation with my Mom, and then I began reading my Bible. I didn't mean to, but I ended up in the book of Romans and it was like God was speaking directly to me! He spoke to the specific issue I had been wrestling with. He is so good and so faithful! Even in the "small" things... He cares! 

Songs in my head tonight... "Rejoice" by Allison Speer, "The Potter Knows the Clay" by the Perry's, and "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon.

When in Rome...

The last week has been so full it is really quite difficult to put into words.

4.12.12

                L and I drove to Atlanta from OKC. Long drive? Yes. I think it was about 15 hours… It was also L’s birthday! We had fun listening to music and talking… Why were we driving? That’s a very good question. We were transporting some large/awkwardly shaped things from our OKC headquarters to our exhibit in Atlanta. Some of the things we just didn’t want to take on the plane…

4.13.12

                We did some work at our ATL location and then caught our flight to Rome! It was a LONG flight (at least for me, I think it was the longest I’ve been on at about 10 hours). Now, I don’t sleep on planes. I try, but I end up concentrating so hard on trying to fall asleep, that sleep never comes. So I had fun watching a movie about Shakespeare, and practicing Italian, and of course… trying to go to sleep.

4.14.12

                Somewhere along the way there was a time change of 7 hours (from OKC, 6 from ATL). We landed in Rome around 7am. Our driver from the airport to the hotel was Russian! (There is actually a LOT of Russian here!) L and I settled in a little bit and then met around 11ish to go see the exhibit, Verbum Domini.  From there we went sight-seeing… we toured the Vatican Museum where they had many amazing things on display! If I can figure out how to post pictures, I will… Some of the highlights of the museum for me were: Capella Sistina (Sistine Chapel), Mummies, Lots of sculptures, Rafael’s paintings, including one which was the cover of my high school textbookJ. After the Museum, we went into St. Peter’s Basilica. One word, WOW. We had dinner at a Chinese place that had amazing Tiramisu! (How’s that for random?)

Mummy

Rafael's Painting

4.15.12

                M joined us on the evening of the 14. The three of us went to church at Rome Baptist Church on Sunday morning. It was really neat. A multicultural English service. The pastor even graduated from OBU! Go Bison! J After church we went sight-seeing. We split up for a little bit and I went to the Colosseum. I got a tour that took me into the basement, and up to the 3^rd floor! It was really neat! When we joined up again, we went to the Trevi fountain, the Spanish Steps, the Pantheon, Piazza Navona, and then met up with the rest of our team at a Restaurant on the Tiber River. Did I mention we walk EVERYWHERE in Rome? In fact, I have not been in a transportation vehicle (other than an elevator) since our Russian driver picked us up from the Airport. My feet are sore and swollen, but it’s so worth it!

Colosseum

4.16.12

                The work begins! We began un-installing the exhibit, and honestly the day, and the next few are a blur. We made great progress! The exhibit is in the Braccio di Carla Magno, which is on a constant incline which makes things interesting sometimesJ. Oh, this day was also the Pope’s Birthday!

The Pope had his Audience in the Square and this was the view from the Braccio

4.17-18.12

                The work and progress continue. Flexibility is the name of the game. Rome and the Vatican have different holidays and different rules. For example, on the Pope’s birthday we were given a 20min notice that we needed to leave. Then we ended up being able to stay another 4 hours. On Wed, we were not supposed to be able to come in until after noon, and were able to come in at 8am. Then Thursday, we were not allowed in at all because it was a Vatican holiday (the 7 year anniversary of the Pope’s appointment to office).

4.19.12

                Since we were not able to work at the exhibit, we went…. You guessed it, sight-seeing! M, L, and I went to a really neat place called Basilica San Clemento. It was an amazing piece of history! The top layer (ground floor) was an 11^th century Basilica with beautiful paintings and ornate tile floors. The second layer (one level down) was a 4^th century church. I think it was orthodox because there was at least one mosaic with Russian writing on it! It was from the Byzantium time I think… not really sure because most of the descriptions were in Italian. Anyway, I thought the writing might have been Greek, because Russian and Greek share a lot of letters, but L took Greek and said it wasn’t quite right…regardless, it was cool! The 3^rd layer (2 levels down) was a 1^st century alleyway, with a school, a temple to a Roman god, and a house that had been converted to a church!!! A 1^st century house church! That would be like some of the first Christians! I couldn’t help but think of Paul’s letter to the church in Rome. It was really amazing! After Basilica San Clemento, we had lunch and then went our separate ways. I climbed the 321 steps to the top of the Cupola of St. Peter’s Basilica. I could have walked up 500+ steps, but I opted to pay the additional 2 Euro and take the elevator as high as it wentJ. The view was amazing though, and even though I did get pictures, they do not do it justice! In the evening, we had an appreciation dinner with all the individuals and entities involved in the collaborative efforts of the exhibit. It was a really special time.

View from the Cuopola

4.20.12

                Today! We sealed all the item crates today! Now we have only to pack the display mounts and supplies. (By "we" I mean L, M, and myself, we have others on our team that are taking down and packing all the sets for the rooms. They have a little bit more to do).All in all, we are making GREAT progress, and are all planning to take Sunday off to rest. We need to be completely done by Tuesday evening. We fly back to ATL on Wednesday, where M, L, and I will work for 4 days at our exhibit there.

M and L at dinner tonight :)

So far, it’s been a great trip!

I really do appreciate your prayers, and God is answering!

I had really hoped to have some profound reflections to share or some significant insight… but I don’t. At least, not yet formed into words. There is so much to process… I am praying for God to teach me on this trip, but I’m beginning to wonder if the lessons will be in hindsight. It’s odd; I don’t “feel” God’s presence like I have in the recent past. I KNOW He is there and very present! I KNOW He is working and answering prayer… but I just feel like we are distant. I don’t understand it, and have been praying for understanding and closeness with Him. It’s almost like I’m self-sufficient and am not reaching out to Him, yet at the same time, I WANT HIM! Bizarre, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be self-sufficient. I don’t want to think I can do things on my own… life is so much better when I walk in step with Him, and in constant fellowship and dependence on Him…  I’m going to be more intentional about seeking His face, and making time to read and study even through the exhaustion….

Anyway, that’s about it for now J it’s a quarter past 10pm, so I’m going to get started on that Bible Study and go to bed. I’m excited to Skype my whole family in the morning! Well, it will be 6:30 am for me, and 11:30pm for them…

Ciao!

Stand Firm

"I know I shall see in His beauty, the King in whose law I delight, Who lovingly guards every footstep, and gives me a song in the night..."

The last two weeks or so have been a series of challenges for me. Not so much circumstances, as just a battle of thoughts. Like a plane charging down the runway, but unable to get enough lift to take off, I would go through each day mostly down with little bursts of flight/joy. It was baffling.

Last week, I went on a trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The trip was work related, and it was a good trip, but one with a lot of personal lessons. On the flight out, I was extremely anxious. Now, this is not normal for me... I LOVE to travel, and I really do enjoy flying, so for me to be anxious or nervous is out of character. Regardless, there I was, finding every possible reason to be stressed out of my mind. What if my carry-on doesn't fit? What if I don't have a seat? What if they won't let me bring my bag on the next plane? What if I get to Knoxville and don't have a rental car? Etc. The bag was stressing me out because since I was traveling for work, I had work property in the bag, and it is supposed to stay with me at all times. I was flying on small puddle-jumpers, and my bag was large for the overhead space available.

I was seated on the very last row of the plane, and my chest was tight, and I was fighting tears. The only personal items I brought on the plane with me was my journal, a pen, and my ipod. I could either read what God has done for me in the past, pray with my pen on the pages of my journal, or listen to His truth via music. Pretty good options if you ask me. Gently, the Lord began to calm me down and remind me of His faithfulness. My journal is one of those with Scripture verses printed in the margins, and I was so thirsty for the Word, I turned page after page desperate for each verse. It took a deliberate choice to TRUST HIM. Not just with the anxieties of the moment, but with the cumulative build of frustrations, insecurities, and spastic emotions. He IS faithful! I know that to the core of my soul, even when my emotions don't reflect it. He proves Himself ever faithful!

I made it to my destination safely; the bag stayed with me, not only was there a rental car, but it was the same make and model of my own car so I was comfortable driving it! I took a route through the mountains to get to Gatlinburg. It was so beautiful and refreshing to drive on the curving, tree-walled roads, next to and over streams... Beautiful! I am used to driving straight and flat over the plains of Oklahoma, so the trees and mountains of Tennessee were a real delight!

The conference went really well, and I was so blessed by my siblings in the Body of Christ! However, I continued to ping-pong emotionally all over the place, all the while trying to put on a brave face. Those of you who know me personally, know that I could never play poker because typically whatever is in my mind/on my heart is also painted right across my face. I find it extremely frustrating, but it is probably for my own good. Anyway, I began to recognize these emotional volleys as a spiritual attack. Then came some thoughts/struggles from way out in left field (or wherever the blindside tackles come from). Stuff I had dealt with in the past (the operative word being dealt with, as in, no longer an issue in my life), was suddenly back in full force trying to trip me up. The thing is, there were no external triggers, no situation that would bring these issues up... it was all a mental battle. I knew exactly where this attack was coming from, and I had a good idea why. You see, recently the Lord has been teaching and growing me a lot, and our enemy does not like that. So I guess like in the case of Job, Satan got some permission to test me this week, and he did. But our God is SO FAITHFUL! By His grace, I did not fall!

Let me clarify; just because I recognized this as a spiritual attack, and knew its source, did not mean it was an easy fight. I was truly in a battle. I don't know how many times the words "stand firm" are in my journal for this week. Standing firm on the Truth is not a passive pose. You are actively standing against the current. Your muscles work and strain to keep your body upright as the force of the flowing flood crashes against you, trying with all its strength to topple you. Exhausting. But Oh, SO WORTH IT!

God is faithful to put people strategically in my life to hold me up like Aaron and Hur held up Moses in the battle (Ex. 17:12). In the midst of my battle, God placed 3 friends in my path to remind me of His presence. My friend "S.L" saw right through my non-existent poker face and prayed for me. Her hugs were a source of strength. My friend "A.M." "randomly" texted me encouragement and prayers. My friend "A.S." was there with joy and hugs, and though she may not have known it, her words and her friendship replenished my resolve and soothed over my prickly insecurities.

One of the dinner speakers at the conference made the following statement: "If the mountain is too smooth, you cannot get to the top." This is so true! When rock climbing, the smooth cliff surfaces are the hardest to scale. The best climbs are the ones with jagged edges. These jagged forms of rock give you more to grip. On our way to the "mountain tops" in life, we must cling to, and find our grip on the solid Rock. He is our foundation.

"A wonderful Saviour is Jesus my Lord, a wonderful Saviour is He. He hideth my soul in the cleft of the Rock, and covers me there with His hand..."

Now if you will bear with me and my long-windedness, I'll tell you about the mountain top.

It was the last day of the conference and I was heading home. It was early afternoon and I was finally feeling "normal" again. I stopped and had lunch, and then set my GPS on my phone to go back through the beautiful mountains to the airport. I'm driving along, and all of a sudden, my GPS alerts me that it is "re-routing." I could not figure out why it was doing this. I had picked the route I wanted, and had not deviated from that route. It just re-routed me randomly, though it kept me on the same road. I at first thought it was just a glitch, and it didn't really re-route me. After a while, I realized I was headed not to the mountains, but to I-40. I was bummed. I did not want to take the highway, I wanted mountain roads. I started to get angry, and then reminded myself that it would not do any good. All I could do was keep driving. Then it started to rain. Then I realized the time. I didn't know if I would make it to the airport on time. I started to stress. Then ever so sweetly, the Lord reminded me of His faithfulness. I cranked up my music and kept driving. Releasing my stress to the Lord. He is in control. Then, my phone died. The phone that had my GPS, on which I was dependant to get to the airport. It "just so happened" that the rental car came with an on-board GPS system that the rental clerk told me up front that I could use free of charge. I turned it on, and the last saved destination "just happened" to be the very airport to which I was headed. How good is God?! Then I remembered that even though the I-40 route was a longer distance, it was a shorter time to the airport. I think God must have "re-routed" my GPS, because I got to the airport just in time. Even with a little snag in the check-in process, and being stopped in security and questioned about the work property I was carrying, I still made my flight (just in time) and there "just happened" to be enough space for my bag. Hopefully, by now you have caught on that these things didn't "just happen," but I believe that God planned each one to demonstrate to me on a tangible level that He cares and pays attention to my life and my individual needs. On both flights home, I was about to burst with excitement at what the Lord had done for me, and He continued to teach me new and glorious things. Just fellowship one-on-one with Him. It was SO GOOD!

"Redeemed, and so happy in Jesus, no language my rapture can tell, I know that the light of His presence with me shall continually dwell..."

There is so much more I would like to share, but by now, if you have stuck with me on this post you are a trooper. I do thank you for reading, but my prayer is that in my incessant prattling, something might cause you to think on the Lord and what He has done for you.

Are you in a battle? STAND FIRM He is faithful!

Are you doubting? Remember His truth encircles you (Eph 6:14) {the belt of the armor is Truth}

Are you soaring? Thank Him!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I KNOW He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because HE LIVES

The Current Dialogue

I love it when God weaves the tangled threads of conversations, situations, songs, and thoughts together into a cohesive and personal message. He has been doing that a lot with me lately. An unending dialogue with gentle transitions in topic. There is way too much to write, but I thought I'd share a small portion of the most recent dialogue.

An excerpt from my journal, God speaking...

My forgiveness is deep and complete. No strings attached. You can come right back into fellowship with Me as soon as you call out to Me. You have confessed your sin, you don't have to wallow in the guilt of it as your punishment. I forgive you! Come back to fellowship with Me. Constant fellowship with Me, you abiding in Me and I in you is the only thing that will vanquish this life-long foe. You have proven again and again that your will-power is no match for this particular struggle. It breaks My heart to see you, My precious child, run out without Me to face your foes on your own. Every time, you don't invite Me to the battle, I watch your defeat in anguish. Yes, I could shelter you from all of it. I could fight your battles for you. Instead, I restrain Myself in the hope that one day, when a battle arises, instead of running from My shelter to face the enemy alone, you will reach out and grasp My hand. Then together, and through My undefeatable, undepleteable strength, the foe will be vanquished. The more battles you fight with Me as your defense and shield, the less frequent these attacks will be. You will learn to trust Me. The more you trust Me, the stronger our relationship will become. I have SO MUCH love for you, you can not even comprehend it. So many unique plans that no one else can fulfill in the unique way in which I have created, called, and equipped you. Like the battles, you cannot fulfill My plans for you in your own strength. My beloved, don't you see? When you gave your heart to Me, when you responded to My call, we became eternally inseparable. I will never abandon you, never exhaust My love for you, never humiliate you or lie to you. Walk with Me. Invite Me into your day. I know you feel like it is a risk to let go of what you hold onto to trust Me, but I promise, I am worth it. From this side of the choice, you will see there was no risk at all, and only more of My presence to gain. I so long for you to be intimate with Me. That intimacy will only come as you TRUST ME. I will be faithful to draw you unto Myself...

Some of the threads of this woven conversation are:

"Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in the supernatural endeavor, Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting.
Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time." - - Psalm 84:12; Matthew 6:34
- Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.

"It is really God's love for man which restrains Him from removing evil from our world by a display of His power. God's plan is to remove evil by a display of His love--the love that He demonstrated at Calvary.
It is in God's love that we find the key to the ultimate solution of the problem of suffering. The answer to the age-old question of suffering rests in an understanding and appreciation of the character of God.
This is what Job discovered. At the height of his suffering and questioning, God revealed Himself in various aspects of His character to Job....Because God knows and understands all things, He can be trusted to do what is best.
There will always be secrets and motives of God which lie beyond the grasp of man. God is infinite; man is finite. Our knowledge and understanding are limited. But based upon what we do know about God's character, demonstrated supremely in the Cross, we can trust that God is doing what is best for our lives..."
- Unto the Hills, by Billy Graham

Music by Allison Speer and Bill and Gloria Gaither...

And this Hymn:

How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;

What more can he say than to you he hath said?

You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

“Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply;

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

“E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove

My sov'reign eternal, unchangeable love;

And then, when grey hairs shall their temples adorn,

Like lambs they shall still in my bosom be borne.

“The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!”

Long Time No See er... um.. write.

Well, It has been a great while since I've posted anything to this blog. Almost 2 years in fact. I guess my excuse was that I wasn't traveling, so there must not be anything exciting to share. I was wrong. A lot has happened in 2 years. New job, lots of neat opportunities and some domestic travel... I'm learning Russian. I joined a church and sing in the choir. And I have discovered that I love Bull Riding (to watch it that is). That's the very small nutshell of it.

So why am I writing now? Simple. God has been increasing the burden on my heart to write, so this is me stepping out in obedience and doing so. I won't make promises as to how often, or what kind of topics may show up. Just that I will write. The next post is hopefully the first of many as I work on this discipline in my life. So if you care to read, enjoy. Even if no one reads this ever, I will write in obedience.

blessings-