It is well…
Since December of 2013, I’ve lost nine friends and family members. Nine. The last four have departed the earth in the last eight months. The last one, today. You might assume this makes me an expert on grief. It doesn’t. If anything, I’m doing my best to not shut down completely in an attempt to not feel the loss. Was I “super close” to the nine who have died? No, some I didn’t know well, but was still connected to through family, and i feel their loss through my family. Others, I was very close to. A few things I’ve learned about grief; it is cumulative, it is different for each loss, it is surprising.
In addition to the loss of lives over the last four years, I’ve also navigated other losses that are less obvious. These are the ones that don’t always look like losses to the outside viewer, but are experienced as loss just the same.
Surgery- temporary loss of health, potential loss of future dreams
Moving back in with my parents - loss of solitary living, perceived loss of independence
Graduation - loss of community (students and faculty whom I’ve grown in relationship with for four years), loss of structure and direction, loss of “safety net”
So what does one do with all this loss? When one feels numb and doesn’t remember how to even cry anymore? The only thing I can say at this point is that it is a choice of the will to choose to trust that God is not caught by surprise, that His shoulders are broad enough, that His love is strong enough. Notice that I said “a choice of the will.” This is NOT a feeling. I don’t feel like trusting God, I don’t always feel His love, or feel that He is even trustworthy! But I choose to believe it, and in that is an inexplicable peace.
There is an old hymn by Horatio Spafford called “It is Well With My Soul.” If you get to look up the story behind it, it’s worth your time. Two years ago, I heard a modern spin on the song that has haunted me ever since. The chorus sounds “So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name.” How inviting to let go and trust… Can you imagine how freeing it would be to truly let go of all our worries, of the losses, of the burdens we carry? Yet, how incredibly hard to relinquish control. So often when I hear that song I find myself in the midst of an internal struggle, not unlike treading water in waves, oscillating between being swept away by the promise and assurance that God is in control and that He is sovereign and solid, and violently rebelling because - NO! I don’t like this! This is NOT well with my soul, I don’t want to let go!
It is well because…. The waves and wind still know His name… creation sings His praise, His hand is sovereign, and He is worthy of my trust… a trust that transcends feeling and circumstances. It is well because He is God.
